It’s not an uncommon feat of being human to compare yourself to others. In fact, it’s exceptionally rare to find a counter-example of someone who has never compared themselves to someone else. Most of us start to do this as teenagers, but it progressively continues till around the age of 35, where you’ll stop comparing yourself to your immediate peer group and at 45, where you’ll stop comparing yourself to most people, period. This doesn’t mean you won’t ever compare yourself to anyone, everyone has a relapse, but it means you won’t be centring your entire being to achieve a higher status on the social hierarchy.
Where does this start from?
For a lot of people, it starts at childhood with comparisons being made between you and siblings, neighbouring kids or relatives, typically by teachers or relatives. While that sucks, it isn’t the only reason. Another reason is the natural biological desire to seek status. While one reason is for reproductive reasons (to appear high status brings an increased probability of procreating), there’s more to it than meets the eye.
Seeking status meets a need for certainty. Most of life is filled with uncertainty and chaos. There’s no real way to predict what is going to happen. As a result, it can cause unease and anxiety. So a way of gaining certainty is to get among the median to the top end of the social hierarchy, either among your peer group or society at large.
Is this such a bad thing?
Yes and no. It can be a great way to encourage people to work towards something, which may help them find fulfilment but it can also (and very easily) lead to a slide of falling into a game of ‘keeping up with the jones’, meaning the desire for material items to symbolise status to appease those around them whom they may not even be acquainted with.
Now that we understand this, what can we do about it?
There’s no one right answer to this, but something that helps to keep in mind is that everyone has different contexts. No one else in the history of humanity will ever have the exact same experience you will have. In a way, it’s almost beautiful how unique we are. People may experience similar circumstances, but they will no way be the exact same.
So, wherever you are in your life, just remember that you and you alone will experience this version of life that your mind perceives. No one else, past or present, now or tomorrow will see what you see.
It’s beautiful in a sense. To know that no one will share what you have. The experiences, the quirks, the flaws and insecurities and the lessons you’ve learned and will learn.
So given that we are all unique in our contexts, is it really fair to compare ourselves? Probably not.
Consider where the comparisons even lie. Try this exercise; think of a person who you compare yourself to and ask what area of life you compare yourselves with? Is it grades? Is it career progression? Is it relationships or material desires?
Most times it will be only one area of your life. It’s unlikely it’s in every area of your life. So I only have one question to ask; are you just a person who only has one thing about you?
The answer will be no, always. There’s a lot more to us than just one area that we compare ourselves in. But in the moments of comparison, it’s hard to see that. So, it’s important to reiterate again and again that you have skills and talents that the person you’re comparing yourself to hasn’t got. This isn’t to downplay them, but to remind yourself that there’s more to you.
Will we ever be good enough?
Simply put, we already are. At this moment, you are as great as you can ever be, because the future hasn’t happened yet. Where you are now is the summation of decisions you’ve made under the circumstances you’ve been in (both controlled and uncontrolled).
While we cannot control what has happened, we can do our best to control the future. To become more of who we could be, to be someone the inner child in us would be proud of. Not for the status, but to extract the juice of life that is available. To remind ourselves that life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. We are the only player in the game and the finish line is what you decide it is, not what everyone else has determined for themselves and to try to reach someone else’s finish line and not your own will make you miss out on being good enough.